Day 20

Maybe if I told you about the huge self esteem issues i have you would not put my flaws on blast and make me feel worse about my personal insecurities. And maybe if i tell you i have trouble opening up to people you would not yell at me for keeping so many things to myself. Yes i too struggle mentally, but i do want to feel better. It does get better but sometimes i find myself hating myself and finding not one single thing to love about myself. I think of everyone who i have pushed away simply because i did not love myself enough. I get upset they actually walked away but i get more mad at myself for having a hard time just opening up and been an overthinker (yes i do that a lot too, my family thinks twice about telling me bad news from home when i am in campus because they fear i may not take it too well, that is probably because i usually don’t)

I tried looking it up because i feared i was the only one who felt like this and i was not. Building my self confidence and trying to open up more to people was not easy but slowly i was doing it. Been alone far from home did not help, i would literally break down and cry myself to sleep and sometimes when the stress and anxiety i made up in my head became too much i would not eat(it felt like i was just forcing food down my throat, it did not feel right.) But with the help of God(my bestfriend) and all those He sent to be by my side, I would continue to be strong a little longer. This whole journey helped me learn a lot about myself and how to do a lot of other things, i started to do decor, organise events and even write among other things. Slowly it felt wrong to not believe in myself.

I dedicated my November to Mental health Awareness(you can check my previous blog posts to be updated) but honestly it ended up been one of the hardest months in 2018, i went through the most trying times before i finally moved into the room i am currently staying in. School opened, once again i was not accomodated, i found a squatting space after weeks of looking but the owner chased me out because i had “a lot of electrical appliances” you are probably reading this and thinking grow up Chama, but at that moment i was breaking down, did i mention i was given a deadline to vacate the room😊 all my stuff would probably have to start heading back to the girls gym by C block(thats where i kept them when i arrived; i legit had no where to stay). I still owe my friends money because i had to raise funds for a room. Here is me not knowing where I’ll be for the rest of the academic year and i find some thing after a while of looking and im chased out..ok greaat. I managed to find something else but it gave me even bigger problems because i was almost taken to the police station because of some drama over a bed space not in my name( story for another day) at this point i stopped caring about who saw me crying in the showers or outside on my friends shoulders, all this still going on and my classes had begun and i had to attend all my lectures with me still not having a place to stay. I really wanted to stop the challenge but i would not have forgiven myself if i did. Peoples stories really moved me and gave me a reason to move on, they were really encouraging.

I am not one to pour more sadness on an already sad story thats why i like to be positive and always try to smile and even laugh even when things seem hard(however i break down when it gets too hard). I already have some stories I’ll share in the next few days but if you would like to send yours, feel free! Help someone battle a mental illness. You are stronger than you think and remember drinking medicine for your mental illness is not a sign of weakness, you will get over this!


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